AS THE STORY GOES, SHE WALKS THROUGH

today, she unexpectedly received...

2009-02-08T18:07:00.002+08:00

today, she unexpectedly received...

a random multimedia message from an unknown receiver. it said, "it's alright to be different." she stared at the phone, looking dazed and wondered. probably what it tried to say gotta have something to be in her life. yes, it is okay to be different. unless you didn't do anything wrong and stupid. it is still okay. that remind her of a phrase told by famous actor she loved said, "keep on taking steps, and it becomes a dance." at first she didn't understand it too well. but what he meant that, "a not so ideal life, isn't so bad. and a not so ideal you, isn't so bad either." and she finally smiled. because she finally thought that the life you lived in now isn't so bad when she accepted what has been led through her life. so she won't give up until the day she could look back and say, "I'm proud of who I was in the past, of what I've been through all day long."

and she smiled again...

that day, she wondered...

2008-10-28T21:40:00.004+08:00

that day, she wondered...

if life sounded so easy like the tips of the finger, probably everything would go smooth without even care of the hurdles ahead. she asked herself, "what would it feel to achieve things for oneself, not for anyone just you, yourself though the path you lead right now seemed not originally your own choice? would it matter?" after a long pause, she kept saying "I hate this part right here, I just can't take it anymore.. why can't I accept this life? my faith is running out badly.."

yes it hurt a lot when she could not understand the way things happened. even though it hurt but a little, tears formed from her damaged heart, not able to hide it anymore. her heart screamed out very badly to the extent she could not breathe. she did not choose this life but she needed to go through it.

then in a weak voice she said,..

"You make me restless, you make me cry
Like a fool, like a child
I want to just laugh it off instead..
though this kind of life I hate it very much."

yesterday, its over...

2008-05-12T10:17:00.002+08:00

yesterday, "it's over" she said. after these two years, she finally settled down for feeling she has been buried deep inside. he, the man she once loved, came with a news she never thought it would be that way. perhaps she didn't expect the man grew to be more gentle this time. more wise and more thoughtful. perhaps, God finally ordered to let all those past bitter memories to be washed away completely. the long letter she received two days ago, she thought it was time to reply with such true and honest. she needed to claim what has been left inside to let the other know and understand the current situation more.. this was her reply,...

"yosh.. hi! um i think i gotta tell u something now.. clear and precise and honest from me.. yesterday.. its really great to hear what u gonna say after 2 years of our break up... i really appreciate it though its not helping me now.. would be nice if u said it earlier.. but after 2 years, and ure in front me.. it seems something hard crawling in my heart.. its not that i hate u or mad at u anymore.. just feel, we shouldnt take back what has been left behind.. both of us have moved on.. lets just be friend from far.. i dont need u to be my real friend.. and we dont even need to pursue to be what-so-called nice friend to each other.. my existence doesnt seem important to u as well as u to me.. lets just accept that we are friends but no longer can be that kind of friends that pick up their nose to each other business.. if we accidentally met in the future, we could say hi.. but thats it.. i just dont want it to be deep.. as a surface, im your friend.. but not your true friend.. i dont care what u might think of me anymore.. ive already changed a lot.. im not the same and not what u think of me in the past.. and i dont even know u at all too now.. we r strangers that dont know each other now.. but a lil bit, there's something each of us dont forget.. i dont even know how to call ur name properly anymore.. to let u know, when you came in my life years ago, truely you brought brighter day when i was in rainy days.. thank you for all those moments.. as i said, there's no point in seeing u again.. dont mistaken by this.. its just i want to properly say farewell.. we r not even enemy, still friend but not that kind of friend u might think.. lets stop here.. i dont want u in my ym list anymore.. no need to contact each other... not really important to poke business in ur life now.. u have urs, and i have mine.. im sorry if i did something bad in the past.. i forgive all ur wrong doings to me.. hope u can be the same too.. i wish u lead in greater life.. u dont need to know mine.. im happy with my life now.. though i dont have someone new, im not lonely at all.. ive really changed.. im strong now.. more stronger than u thought.. dont worry, i wont HAUNT u in your dreams or living in your NIGHTMARE.. its over *winks* farewell.. ^_^"

throughout the day, she patiently waited for the man to give his reply. in the evening, after his work she guessed, the reply came. and she can finally smile..

"wow...long one ...just got back..i understand n respect the decision..sorry for all the trouble, torturing, misunderstood, hardship, pushing n awkward moment i cause..its not my intension to do so...hope u r doing fine n got what u strive for..good luck okay? ^_^"

she sat on the lazy chair, inhaling the fresh evening air.. she watched the butterflies danced among the tulips and roses.. she was amused at the sight... later, her eyes closed due to tiredness.. yes the hardship she had been struggled for all these years.. the pain she tried to endure alone.. soon everything seemed to disappear, and she can finally fly with free wings.. embarked a new journey without hurting anymore..

"it's sad, but i guess it is for the best. and we both knew our love grew in the past and forever be just memorries.. thank you, perhaps we are not destined in the same ship.." she smile bitterly but her heart was set free.. free like those birds.. no worries no more..

Yesterday, she dream...

2008-02-28T15:26:00.000+08:00

music: "Gi Juk Gat Eun Sarang (Orchestra Ver.)"

mood:

Yesterday, she dream...

" I was crying when I woke up this morning. these tears was not a happy tears, yet my heart felt relief somehow. the dream. I found myself at a place, more likely like a school but there were also other students that called themselves master students. i guess it was a learning center but not exactly a university. could be a place where we went a trip or something. I was walking with some friends while sightseeing the place. we enjoyed ourselves so much and asking each other what kind of question should we asked about this place from the supervisor in charge.

suddenly my eyes narrowed to a room where i could see some familiar faces. as our group walked down to another stair, I slowly covered myself out of the crowd and went to the place i doubted. I saw a teacher there, sitting silently on a chair while the class was surrounding with people doing their works and discussing and sort of. I screened the faces inside the class and thinking if I ever knew those people before. suddenly my eyes stopped at one person. my face impression changed as I looked her. it was my long lost best friend. yeah. if in reality, we were no longer having close term anymore. I wanted to cry when I saw her there.

remembering the past made my heart ached. how things changed between us? how did things become so wrong in the past? why we didn't miss those days that we went through together? i asked myself. bluntly, I did not know how to react when she spotted me standing outside that could hardly be seen. we gazed at each other for long. silence broke through the walls. then.

to my surprise, she slowly gave me a smile. she said, "why cowardly standing there? come inside." I startled when I heard the words.

it had been a long time since we saw each other. the best friend that no longer was mine. she swayed her hand asking me to come. I bravely stepped forward to her side. I could not shredded my tears away. soon the tears flooding my face heavily as I was in front of her. she stood there looking at me. to my triple shock, she handed out her both hands and hugged me softly. i was not sure how long we stood like that for a while. the hug became tighten. she rubbed my hair and said, "it's okay". I did not understand what she meant but I knew that we were not mad at each other again.

the class suddenly noticed us and our appearance interrupted the teacher. and I slowly wanted to move out from the class. as I tried to loose up the hug, I finally said, "I'm sorry" few times. she nodded. and slowly we loosed the hug. and I could saw her wide smile again. slowly I walked out the class, waving at her. the class seem to fade. and I walked with tears on my faces again and again. that is when I woke up with tears still upon my cheeks."

Since that day, she felt...

2007-11-13T02:53:00.000+08:00

music: "Oda Kazumasa - Masshiro"
mood:

Since that day, she felt..

"I guess I can smile happily now. the wound still there but I am a bit relief after those teary days. I don't exactly remember for how long I remain like that. for sure these days I am getting better. finally I heal myself. yes god knows how i've been through. hating him? don't seem to have that. forgiven? I am not sure it's the best answer. freedom? yes, that's so true. I am a different person now. regret? still have those but everyday becomes less and less. lonely? am I experiencing loneliness? not exactly. my heart is empty but I don't feel loneliness there. it's kind of relief and I continue life as usual. (laughs) when I saw couples passing in front of me, I don't get jealous. it's not that I am denying, just the matter of seeing that as normal. I don't feel anything towards romantic feeling. to have someone nearby is lucky, but I stop seeing someone just for the sake of filling the emptiness. I guess i've changed a bit. my befriend got lucky too. plan to marry few number of years. i thought "woah!" it's cool. I am happy for her. miss her so much. she has been worried about me. I told her to stop. because I am fine now. move on? yes indeed. I am not scared anymore. but she asked "why your heart is frozen? not accepting anyone?" I laugh and grin at her. then I answered "my heart tells me to stop. it's time to forget things that make you sad. so that's how I act these days. not being cold. I befriend with lots of people. but I am not excited about having someone yet." she nodded. agree? well it could be. I guess to walk to that door,... enjoying life as free as I can. what else do I need if I am that happy right? do you think so?"

These days, she said…

2007-04-28T13:04:00.000+08:00

music: "Nishikido Ryo - Ai no Katamari"

mood:

These days, she said…

“seeing this rain makes me felt so bitter inside. the rain pours on the surface in huge amount. felt like my heart being washed away. no, it’s crying. the heart is in deep pain. I want to endure it, so everything around is ignored. why I am so sad in person? I don’t know what I want but keep regretting the past. why it holds me so much? for how long it will stay like this? am I that sad? am I that hopeless too? everything that happened makes me wonder. am I running away again?”

“chotto.. why am I so stuck in love matter. get yourself straight. I should realize other things are important as well. is it the time for change. how I wonder. life is ain’t easy right. pull yourself together. ah. shouldn’t be this way. give me some clues…”

Few minutes later, she tantrumed…

2007-04-22T12:49:00.000+08:00

music: "Akanishi Jin - Care"

mood:

Few minutes later, she tantrumed…

“okay I admit! I want to be loved by someone. but I have no one beside me. it is not loneliness but it’s the matter of filling your heart with love. my heart has so much to contain but it is empty. when will I find that man? if it is true all of us have our own fate, why doesn’t that man appear to me now? or is it I haven’t notice if he is around? or my eyes just ignore the presence of a man? it is not that I don’t believe fate and destiny, just maybe my heart is leaking because there is too much love inside. a year has passed and I recover now? is it the right time to spend time for love now? do I have a choice? what makes me want to be loved now? don’t you think it is too fast? I have so much to offer but why now? why can’t I block this little heart for a bit longer? why I wish someone to save my heart? did I hurt so much in the past? yes, I was hurt yet now still hurting. my love lives fill with sad memories, and I still want to love and be loved again? why now? why these tiny hearts recover so much? I am so helpless. please God, I don’t want to be in pain now. not anymore. don’t let me feel this way. it’s so hard for me.”

At the moment, she whispered…

2007-04-22T12:00:00.000+08:00

music: "News - Cherish"

mood:

At the moment, she whispered…

“this music makes my heart flatter. sounds romantic, isn’t it? whenever I feel lonely, whenever my heart need to be touch, listening to the melody isn’t so bad. my love life is not that great, my memories fill with sadness. sometimes happiness also appears. I won’t let myself be alone. I hate to see people leaving me. it looks so pathetic. though I am down, I believe miracle will always happen. not to loose faith in Him right? I want to be someone’s yet I want to stand up for that person. it's time for me to shine again...”

In few months, she noticed…

2007-04-20T03:55:00.000+08:00

music: "Kat-tun - Angel,you are Angel"

mood:

In few months, she noticed…

“I changed so much and yet this friend of mine still remembered me. the last time we got together was so fun. lots of memories left behind yet I felt that I had changed too much. those years that I missed, the day where teenagers still be the teenagers. I am sorry dear friend but I changed a lot. did not mean that I don’t remember you, but I am not what you expected now. that girl you knew once, no more you could see. hontou ni gomen ne tomodachi! last time, this heart adore you very much. in a sense, you are very unpredictable and always being cool at couple of times. yes I like you, but it didn’t seem you feel the same way too. so I entrusting my heart to keep you as a good friend of mine. but those envy when we are together. they say we look like a happy couple. but it doesn’t seem so true. you say “we are very close, understand each other well. that is why the relationship is a good chemistry.” yes I agree. (to be continued…)”

In the mean time, she felt…

2007-04-16T15:25:00.001+08:00

music: "News - Pain"
mood:

In the mean time, she felt…

“a pain sigh illustrates my face. inside I could feel bitterness surrounded my heart. I don’t know when since I changed to such a cold hearted girl. felt so lost and I don’t remember what I want for life. lost my senses to feel? is it I was too hurt from such guys who keep left me behind? so hurt that makes me bury the frozen icy lonely heart of mine. I wish the happiness was always with me. I often dream a prince that would chase and grab my heart forever. that dream started when I learn how to love and being in love. I drop too hard this time. I kept hiding myself in the bushes, afraid to face life. it was not right to be like this; therefore in a slow pace I try to seek the lost smile that was mine before. during the finding, I shall face a lot of obstacles and might reject the one who fall me in the future. so I left a scarlet letter to rewrite the dream that lead towards the key to open my heart. if he was so lucky, he will understand me before I run too far. The letter shall begin like this;

“Oh someone there, I always hope the one will notice is someone who treasure me because I am special to him. I wish the one could love me without hesitate about the love I had for him. sincerity and trustworthy are what I seek. no matter how far we are apart, the love should not be faded away. both of us should tolerate and help each other to protect the love we had. I was full of symbolic thoughts in my characteristic. long ago, I had the seventh ring on my fingers but later one by one lost nowhere to be found. And two was left. it resembles the love memories during my childhood days till I was grown up to an early stage of adulthood. in my heart, how I wish if the one could replace the ring I had with the new ring from him. I don’t care if he does not spend luxury things during my birthday or anniversary. just went out together for fun should be enough. maybe it sounds so childish but that what I wish for. sometimes love is so childish right. am I not worth or is it not enough to be treasure. I wonder why…”

sleeps.

After few awhile, she wondered…

2007-04-14T02:45:00.000+08:00

music: "Arashi - We Can Make It"

mood:

After few awhile, she wondered…

“if my love is not worth for him, then I should let the love fade. if I was a burden to him, then I just shouldn’t stay. that day when he left me it rains heavily. how I wish mr rain could washed away the love I had for him. regretting. half say yes half say no. it’s killing me. that fond memories can’t never be gone too easily. somehow I should not show my weakness point when I face him. though its hard, lets live our life to the fullest from now on. I whisper to myself “fighting ne!” to that person, may you find happiness. ill pray everything will turn out wonderful. I don’t mean to hate you. deep inside I cant never hate you. because your smile always shines me from afar. suki desu.”

“hold a minute. why am I being so nice. do I engrave my bitterness deep down inside. I wonder why am I being like this. god knows of course. but I don’t understand the meaning of it. somehow I just couldn’t answer it myself”

After few years, she said…

2007-04-14T02:15:00.000+08:00

music: "News - I.Za.Na.I.Zu.Ki."

mood:

After few years, she said…

“but why I feel emptiness is all around. looks like I am the only one fighting. his appearance seems so blurry. the love seems to fade away. my curiosity arouses, I was numb for awhile. thinking and thinking and thinking. it’s not true right. this is not happening yet. in my metaphor, I try to reach to his heart but my hand cant grab it tightly. it seems slip away just like that. is this really happening. why the sudden change. does his heart change. my heart rebels, feeling unsafe. then…tik tok tik tok…time waste too much. the confession arrive unexpectedly. my heart stop beating. no. my love inside me frozen. my mind thinking hard. I pretend to be as usual and ignore the facts that I just heard. but then he left me while im standing there speechless. didn’t look back and walk straight away. where does the love go? I feel so depressed. then I cried. try to keep my sadness away from everyone. yet I cant hide it for so long. I wish it will never happen to me. wish I could work hard for my love life. always be love and never be left behind. how many times does love break my heart. but I still keep on moving. one say “u cant block your heart from love. love will come when it wants.” but does it come at the right time, right place or is it the right person. how do you choose and accept.”

Few years back, she was told…

2007-04-12T01:30:00.000+08:00

music: "News - Yume no Kazu Dake Ai ga Umareru"

mood:

Few years back, she was told…

“love has to be expressed openly. who will know if you keep it in your heart? what's the difference between saying it and keeping it in your heart? it's different, no matter how much you praise that person, that person will eventually want to hear it. some may say it's so childish but people are born to be childish.”

“Let's love like we've never been hurt before
Let's dance like no one is praising us
Let's love like we've never been hurt before
Let's sing like no one is listening to us
Let's work like we don't need money for it
Let's live like today is the doomsday
To tell you the truth, I want be like that as well
Pretend that I've never been hurt before, as I want to seriously love one more time
But since the ending has become like this, I really wanted to change the article
If you don't want to get hurt then don't fall in love”

she says “I always dream if he could say it from his true heart, and afterwards express it sincerely again to me.”

Few years back, she said…

2007-04-10T01:00:00.000+08:00

music: "News - Love Song"

mood:

Few years back, she said…

“love sometimes is tiresome. but love keep the best of me. at the moment I will show the greatest form of me. loving someone makes me strong everyday. but it didn’t last for long. the love just died. as time flows, seems it took all of me away. nothing is left inside. I am still myself just feel heartless sometime. but the mind tells the heart not to be disappeared. fight my own sadness. yet feel blue when something I did makes me remembered him. that wonderful smile keeps me adore him more and more. though first I feel distract when he keeps running to me. chasing me for care. I didn’t think it seriously. being in love in disguise? I accept him in my life because somehow in a way I feel he is attractive. but later I am not sure when i fall for him. when the loves grow.i don't notice it clearly. but i know. like when u want to plant a flower, u water the seed to make it grow. provide it good sunshine and keep it with utmost care. that is love to me...”

~~ AS THE STORY GOES, SHE WALKS THROUGH ~~

today, she unexpectedly received...

that day, she wondered...

yesterday, its over...

Yesterday, she dream...

Since that day, she felt...

These days, she said…

Few minutes later, she tantrumed…

At the moment, she whispered…

In few months, she noticed…

In the mean time, she felt…

After few awhile, she wondered…

After few years, she said…

Few years back, she was told…

Few years back, she said…

AS THE STORY GOES, SHE WALKS THROUGH