she looked up and gazed the night sky,

she looked up and gazed the night sky,

am i really become transparent?
the self that i want to conceal to the world,
is that my true nature?
seems like i put myself out there
only for people to accept for who i am?

yet my heart screams,
"i'm this type of person, can't you not see?"
"if there's someone out there who'll love me as i am, come out!"

but..do i really become transparent these days?..

her tears fell and she continued to stay that way...

She feels blue about...

She feels blue about...

sometimes she seems fictional but nothing goes ordinary as well. life seems unique tons ahead. wondering if the path still continues to vary again. she believes everything happens for a reason but she never feel the reasons are REALLY connecting to her. perhaps the inside is still dark? no one can ever tell. the truth is being out. what happen when perception becomes prejudice as hell.

remember the phrase,

roses are red,
violets are blue,
what you try to forget,
don't blame it in you..

yet...she wonders again.

today, she unexpectedly received...

today, she unexpectedly received...

a random multimedia message from an unknown receiver. it said, "it's alright to be different." she stared at the phone, looking dazed and wondered. probably what it tried to say gotta have something to be in her life. yes, it is okay to be different. unless you didn't do anything wrong and stupid. it is still okay. that remind her of a phrase told by famous actor she loved said, "keep on taking steps, and it becomes a dance." at first she didn't understand it too well. but what he meant that, "a not so ideal life, isn't so bad. and a not so ideal you, isn't so bad either." and she finally smiled. because she finally thought that the life you lived in now isn't so bad when she accepted what has been led through her life. so she won't give up until the day she could look back and say, "I'm proud of who I was in the past, of what I've been through all day long."

and she smiled again...

that day, she wondered...

that day, she wondered...

if life sounded so easy like the tips of the finger, probably everything would go smooth without even care of the hurdles ahead. she asked herself, "what would it feel to achieve things for oneself, not for anyone just you, yourself though the path you lead right now seemed not originally your own choice? would it matter?"

after a long pause, she kept saying "I hate this part right here, I just can't take it anymore.. why can't I accept this life? my faith is running out badly.."

yes it hurt a lot when she could not understand the way things happened. even though it hurt but a little, tears formed from her damaged heart, not able to hide it anymore. her heart screamed out very badly to the extent she could not breathe. she did not choose this life but she needed to go through it.

then in a weak voice she said,..

"You make me restless, you make me cry
Like a fool, like a child
I want to just laugh it off instead..
though this kind of life I hate it very much."

yesterday, its over...

yesterday, "it's over" she said. after these two years, she finally settled down for feeling she has been buried deep inside. he, the man she once loved, came with a news she never thought it would be that way. perhaps she didn't expect the man grew to be more gentle this time. more wise and more thoughtful. perhaps, God finally ordered to let all those past bitter memories to be washed away completely. the long letter she received two days ago, she thought it was time to reply with such true and honest. she needed to claim what has been left inside to let the other know and understand the current situation more.. this was her reply,...

"yosh.. hi! um i think i gotta tell u something now.. clear and precise and honest from me.. yesterday.. its really great to hear what u gonna say after 2 years of our break up... i really appreciate it though its not helping me now.. would be nice if u said it earlier.. but after 2 years, and ure in front me.. it seems something hard crawling in my heart.. its not that i hate u or mad at u anymore.. just feel, we shouldnt take back what has been left behind.. both of us have moved on.. lets just be friend from far.. i dont need u to be my real friend.. and we dont even need to pursue to be what-so-called nice friend to each other.. my existence doesnt seem important to u as well as u to me.. lets just accept that we are friends but no longer can be that kind of friends that pick up their nose to each other business.. if we accidentally met in the future, we could say hi.. but thats it.. i just dont want it to be deep.. as a surface, im your friend.. but not your true friend.. i dont care what u might think of me anymore.. ive already changed a lot.. im not the same and not what u think of me in the past.. and i dont even know u at all too now.. we r strangers that dont know each other now.. but a lil bit, there's something each of us dont forget.. i dont even know how to call ur name properly anymore.. to let u know, when you came in my life years ago, truely you brought brighter day when i was in rainy days.. thank you for all those moments.. as i said, there's no point in seeing u again.. dont mistaken by this.. its just i want to properly say farewell.. we r not even enemy, still friend but not that kind of friend u might think.. lets stop here.. i dont want u in my ym list anymore.. no need to contact each other... not really important to poke business in ur life now.. u have urs, and i have mine.. im sorry if i did something bad in the past.. i forgive all ur wrong doings to me.. hope u can be the same too.. i wish u lead in greater life.. u dont need to know mine.. im happy with my life now.. though i dont have someone new, im not lonely at all.. ive really changed.. im strong now.. more stronger than u thought.. dont worry, i wont HAUNT u in your dreams or living in your NIGHTMARE.. its over *winks* farewell.. ^_^"

throughout the day, she patiently waited for the man to give his reply. in the evening, after his work she guessed, the reply came. and she can finally smile..

"wow...long one ...just got back..i understand n respect the decision..sorry for all the trouble, torturing, misunderstood, hardship, pushing n awkward moment i cause..its not my intension to do so...hope u r doing fine n got what u strive for..good luck okay? ^_^"

she sat on the lazy chair, inhaling the fresh evening air.. she watched the butterflies danced among the tulips and roses.. she was amused at the sight... later, her eyes closed due to tiredness.. yes the hardship she had been struggled for all these years.. the pain she tried to endure alone.. soon everything seemed to disappear, and she can finally fly with free wings.. embarked a new journey without hurting anymore..

"it's sad, but i guess it is for the best. and we both knew our love grew in the past and forever be just memorries.. thank you, perhaps we are not destined in the same ship.." she smile bitterly but her heart was set free.. free like those birds.. no worries no more..

Yesterday, she dream...

music: "Gi Juk Gat Eun Sarang (Orchestra Ver.)"

mood:

Yesterday, she dream...

" I was crying when I woke up this morning. these tears was not a happy tears, yet my heart felt relief somehow. the dream. I found myself at a place, more likely like a school but there were also other students that called themselves master students. i guess it was a learning center but not exactly a university. could be a place where we went a trip or something. I was walking with some friends while sightseeing the place. we enjoyed ourselves so much and asking each other what kind of question should we asked about this place from the supervisor in charge.

suddenly my eyes narrowed to a room where i could see some familiar faces. as our group walked down to another stair, I slowly covered myself out of the crowd and went to the place i doubted. I saw a teacher there, sitting silently on a chair while the class was surrounding with people doing their works and discussing and sort of. I screened the faces inside the class and thinking if I ever knew those people before. suddenly my eyes stopped at one person. my face impression changed as I looked her. it was my long lost best friend. yeah. if in reality, we were no longer having close term anymore. I wanted to cry when I saw her there.

remembering the past made my heart ached. how things changed between us? how did things become so wrong in the past? why we didn't miss those days that we went through together? i asked myself. bluntly, I did not know how to react when she spotted me standing outside that could hardly be seen. we gazed at each other for long. silence broke through the walls. then.

to my surprise, she slowly gave me a smile. she said, "why cowardly standing there? come inside." I startled when I heard the words.

it had been a long time since we saw each other. the best friend that no longer was mine. she swayed her hand asking me to come. I bravely stepped forward to her side. I could not shredded my tears away. soon the tears flooding my face heavily as I was in front of her. she stood there looking at me. to my triple shock, she handed out her both hands and hugged me softly. i was not sure how long we stood like that for a while. the hug became tighten. she rubbed my hair and said, "it's okay". I did not understand what she meant but I knew that we were not mad at each other again.

the class suddenly noticed us and our appearance interrupted the teacher. and I slowly wanted to move out from the class. as I tried to loose up the hug, I finally said, "I'm sorry" few times. she nodded. and slowly we loosed the hug. and I could saw her wide smile again. slowly I walked out the class, waving at her. the class seem to fade. and I walked with tears on my faces again and again. that is when I woke up with tears still upon my cheeks."

Since that day, she felt...

music: "Oda Kazumasa - Masshiro"
mood:

Since that day, she felt..

"I guess I can smile happily now. the wound still there but I am a bit relief after those teary days. I don't exactly remember for how long I remain like that. for sure these days I am getting better. finally I heal myself. yes god knows how i've been through."

"hating him?
don't seem to have that. forgiven?
I am not sure it's the best answer.
freedom?
yes, that's so true.
I am a different person now. regret?
still have those but everyday becomes less and less. lonely?
am I experiencing loneliness?"

"not exactly. my heart is empty but I don't feel loneliness there. it's kind of relief and I continue life as usual. (laughs) when I saw couples passing in front of me, I don't get jealous. it's not that I am denying, just the matter of seeing that as normal."

"I don't feel anything towards romantic feeling. to have someone nearby is lucky, but I stop seeing someone just for the sake of filling the emptiness. I guess i've changed a bit. my befriend got lucky too. plan to marry few number of years. i thought "woah!" it's cool. I am happy for her. miss her so much. she has been worried about me. I told her to stop. because I am fine now.

"move on? yes indeed. I am not scared anymore.
but she asked "why your heart is frozen? not accepting anyone?"

"I laugh and grin at her. then I answered "my heart tells me to stop. it's time to forget things that make you sad. so that's how I act these days. not being cold. I befriend with lots of people. but I am not excited about having someone yet." she nodded. agree? well it could be. I guess to walk to that door,... enjoying life as free as I can."

"what else do I need if I am that happy right? do you think so?"

she ended...